For five days in a row, I've tried everything possible, said all I could and yet all I face is rejection from you over and over again when you said you wanted none. Everytime you reject me, my heart would break into a millon pieces...I don't even know how many pieces there are now anymore. I cried the whole day thinking about you all the time. I can't sleep, I can't eat and all I can do is just think about you, about us and cry over it repeatedly. I'm done crying for today and I think I shouldn't be so selfish anymore. I'm gonna let you go...slowly, painfully, but I'll surely make it through. I believe its not very difficult for you to achieve but yet at the same time, it aint easy too. =) If you didn't realise, I fell for your smile. You melted me with your sweetness and loving tenderness. If only I could once again... =) I saw your msn message before you left for work and I just stoned in front of my lappy crying not knowing what to reply. "iLu" if you still remember what it means from past chat logs. Take care my love, for when the clock strikes 12, I would take my leave. Thanks for all the joy, excitement, happiness, sadness, tears and moments that we had together. I will always cherish it and never forget about it. You will always be my one and only boo. Zutto zutto aishiteru eien ni. "Once I knew that the warmth between us had disappeared, gentle tears started to spread over my chest. This is not where it ends, I’m missing you. Please don’t let go of my hand" I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else. I'd rather be beside you in a storm than safe and warm by myself. I'd rather have hard times together than having it easy apart. I'd rather have the one who holds my heart. I can't blame you if you turn away from me, I can only prove the things I say with time.
I don't know how many more days I have left. My days are numbered. I'm counting down till the day I'll leave you for good. My right ear hurts...I can barely hear anything with it now...and the left is starting to hurt too. Gastric pain aint helping a single bit. Its not that I don't want to, but I aint got the mood to be feasting now. Thinking about how I'm gonna live my life to the max from now on till the day I breathe my last, I aint got much time left. =)
Love is selfish, I wanted to be selfish...but I couldn't cause I lost the right to when I said I wanted no more. Nothing I do could get you back even though I need you with me so much right now. I thought about it and thought that I'm gonna be the worse girlfriend ever if I can't even let the person I love be happy. Hence I decided to let go...to let you go finally. I'm not gonna ever ask you to come back to me nor beg you to stay and grow old with me amymore. I can never do it anymore now.
You always ask why I keep taking pictures of you and that you didn't like it and yet I still do it. Its because I wanted something to remember you with in each and every single way...every little single thing that you did. The only way of remembering you would be this. You always ask me why I can never hear nor remember what you said and all I could say was sorry. Maybe because I weren't listening but maybe because I couldn't hear at all. I wish you would continue whispering sweet nothings to me or just scream at shout at me whenever you're so fed up with me. But now...I doubt so. All you can do now is just to perhaps write it out so I can read it. I'll remember how your voice sounds like when you're happy, upset or even angry. Its all embedded deep in me. =)
I miss that Sunday that we spent together when I was so sick and you warmed me up with your love. Free cuddles and smooches the whole night without a word of complain. I didn't want it cause I was so sick and I'm afraid of passing it to you, yet you kept telling me its alright and you don't bother. It really melts me. I miss that day that we quarrelled so badly the whole night we were out, from the time we met, till Lunar, till we left for supper, till we were at Boay Quay. You could just walked out on me alone angrily and you made me cry like a fool alone. I left and headed back to Clarke Quay hoping to get some comfort from my friends but yet you called and quarrel with me again over the phone. I'm lost. I didn't know what to do. As much as I wanted to find you at Boat Quay, I hated how you could dump me and left me alone standing there. You came rushing back to Clarke Quay and after hearing everything, I just gave in...cause I know I can't be without you. I miss that drama on the bridge...how everything turns out fine after we trashed things out...now I'll never have that chance again.
I miss how you would hold my hand through crowds to make sure we wouldn't part nor would I get lost in the crowd. I miss how you cuddle me when I just needed a hug that badly. I miss how your sweet lips touches mine and how our tongues met when they meet. I miss the way you always smell so sweet and nice, but even though you're all sweaty, I would want you all the same. I miss how you shout and scream at me to show how much you cared. I miss how worried and flustrated you get when you try to explain things to me and ensure me that you only love me. I miss the day where we went out together to look for a dog and how much we tried to plan for our future together.
I regretted not telling you how much I love you. I regretted not giving in more to you. I regretted not being more understanding to you. I regretted not listening to you. I regretted not having a thing that we could share nor call our own. I regretted not asking you to get a ring for me to mark our love. I regretted never getting to dance with you the last time round. I regret and I regret. Oh! How much I regret.
Now everytime I think about it, I wonder when did we stop loving each other? When did we stop thinking about how the other party feels? When did we actually sit down and talk things out properly? We were both selfish in our own ways..and we should have actually sat down and talk things out properly. We should think back of how we first started and how we met. *sigh* "Every man wants to be the woman's first and every woman wants to be the man's last." I wish I could be your last...but I know it aint possible anymore. Promises were never meant to be kept anyway...it was always meant to be broken that's why they are called promises. Remember how I used to tell you not to promise me anything if you can't do it? Cause when you promise something, expectations go up and when expectations aren't met, you fall harder. You promised me anything I wanted for that 11songs I sent you. Any reward I wanted was all you said. If I could, I would trade all 11rewards just to get you back to me once again. I know I can't, so for that 11 rewards, I wana trade for the following: